I do. It has held me back lots in life. It is the one barrier that I keep walking around not finding the power and the lift to leap over. I turned 21 today, I don’t feel old but I’m single and I strongly feel that I am because I hold back on opportunities too often.
“If the solution has never been to look in yourself,
How is it that you expect to find it anywhere else?“
- Immortal Technique
I’ve noticed through out my experiences with stuttering, I’m often fluent. The times that I am fluent is when there is no focus, and no pressure on the words that I speak. In fact it’s not even stuttering so much as blocking. But the name isn’t so important. What is important is that each time I’ve come away from talking to someone or even having a day devoid of stuttering was when I didn’t think about it at all. It wasn’t part of my worries, it wasn’t part of me.
Whenever I assign value to the things that I speak, I stutter 90% of the time. For instance, when called upon to say my name. I can say it with no problem a thousand times, as I sit and write this. But when there is pressure on (pressure that I obviously put upon myself) I crumble. I can’t get it out. I do eventually, but it comes out rushed and forced.
I see my own weaknesses, I am aware of my shortcomings but I want to be better. I want to be someone that I can be proud of. High standards yeah. Talking to people is difficult sometime because I project my disapproval of stuttering on to them. I tense up, and I can’t relax. A dead end loop that only leads to more stuttering, a hurt ego and suffering self-esteem.
I have made many accomplishments and I know that I will overcome this too. That doesn’t make it any more comfortable now though. Sometimes I have these moments of insight, moments of empowerment, I feel strong, I feel on top of the world and ready to tackle all my problems at once. I feel like giving a speech in front a hundred people, I feel like coming up to random girls and starting chit-chat. I feel like I can walk on water … I wish I could freeze frame those feelings and apply them more often.
But I never lose hope, success is psychological…
Song this was written to: Immortal Technique – Caught in a Hustle
